The Dorkcycle

As an engineer (okay, I don't actually have an engineering degree, what with the being retarded in math and all - but my job title does have "engineer" in it, so back off, Poindexter!) I occasionally come across a product that impresses me on that level - it's rare, since the engineers must have to smuggle it out under cover of darkness before the marketing weasels find out about it and proceed to cram if full of "value added" features that focus groups indicated were a good idea. (These focus groups are usually composed of soccer moms and idiots, two groups of people I don't need designing my products). An impressive product doesn't have to be rocket science, and more often than not it's something that solves a problem as simply and elegantly as possible. One of the things I've been hoping to do for a couple of years now is to shoot some video from my motorcycle - since I have lots of video equipment and plenty of cheap "spy-cam" type cameras, you would think this would be pretty easy. Unfortunately, one of the disadvantages of dirt-cheap foreign electronics is that sometimes, the only person who can give you specs for things like voltage and adapters is the guy in the Chinese sweatshop who has the blueprints in his desk. After trying to cobble together an external lens for use with my video camera (since I'm too cheap to buy one of the pre-made kits), I decided to explore different options, such as mounting the camera directly on the bike - a dicey proposition, since my video camera is one of my prized possessions.

I first came across the RAM Mount page a few years ago, after seeing some Iron Butt-type BMW aficionados talking about them on a forum. I decided to give it a shot, and was extremely impressed with the quality of the gear - they have systems to mount everything from laptops to cameras to cell phones on cars, motorcycles, ATV's - even airplanes. One thing I really appreciate is that it's all modular - while you can by a pre-assembled kit, you don't have too - I bought a 1" tube mount (for the handlebars), a 1.5" tube mount (for the frame), an arm, a suction-cup mount (for the gas tank) and a camera base. The stuff is simple, solid as a rock, and cheap to boot. I have no doubt that I will be returning to their website to buy more components so I can transfer everything to my car, as well as mounts for my cell phone, MP3 player, etc. RAM knows where its bread is buttered and now offers many of it's motorcycle-oriented components with a chrome finish, which even I think is a bit ridiculous (and I'm putting the Kuryakyn family's kids through college). But the interesting thing I noticed on their website was this picture:



Now, this picture is obviously meant to illustrate the many different types of devices that could potentially fit on a given motorcycle. You'd have to be insane to actually try to ride a bike with that many gadgets & gizmos on it at once. But I got to thinking: That would kick serious ass. My friends know that although I can do a halfway decent biker impression, I'm still just a dork at heart - you're telling me I can combine geek toys and motorcycles?!? I think I need to get one of the bikes that is favored by the ultra-utilitarian-function-over-form high mileage wierdos, like a Honda ST1100, Yamaha FJ1100, or Kawasaki Concours (although some of the really weird ones go for exceptionally freaky bikes, like the Pacific Coast or the GTS1000) and just load that sucker up. All I would need is an auxiliary tank and I'd be in business. Maybe if I souped it up I could compete with the ultimate dorkcycle...